All that came to mind with this prompt was the desire to make actual eggnog… So I decided that anyone who hasn’t had real eggnog should probably have the recipe so they can do so. Real eggnog, not the “eggnog flavored” goop you get at the grocery store, is very tasty. I like to think of it as a super keto protein shake with a smidgen of sugar and a lot of liquor. Okay, there’s quite a bit of sugar but compared to how much milk and eggs there are, it isn’t that much.
12 eggs, raw, washed with warm water and dried
1 pound powdered (confectioners or icing sugar… although now I want to make it)
1 quart milk (not skim… don’t be ridiculous)
1/2 to 1 teaspoon salt
2 quarts heavy cream or heavy whipping cream
2 cups good sour mash bourbon or whiskey (to get the salmonella drunk)
and 2 cups dark rum or spiced rum (to start to kill the salmonella)
and also 2 cups brandy or rye (to kill the salmonella once and for all)
Nutmeg for garnish
1. Let your eggs come to room temperature. Separate the eggs with the yolks in a large bowl, preferably of a stand mixer. Put the whites in the refrigerator in a covered container.
2. Taste the bourbon or whiskey to make sure it’s still good.
3. Beat yolks until light and lemon yellow, occasionally sipping the brandy or rye if you have a stand mixer rather than a handheld one (just to make sure it is still good), then gradually beat in 1 pound of confectioners sugar, scraping down the sides of the bowl to make sure it is well incorporated. This will be thick and heavy.
4. Taste the rum to make sure it is still good. Hold up 2 fingers and make sure you don’t see 4 fingers. If you see 2 fingers, proceed to step 5; if you see 4 fingers or you have to close one eye to only see 2 fingers, get a responsible (sober) adult to help you complete the rest of this recipe.
*note* If you wish to make a virgin eggnog first and add the alcohol later or skip the alcohol altogether, proceed to the step 6, otherwise carry on.
5. Add very slowly – one teaspoon at a time slowly – the bourbon or whiskey with the mixer on low speed, scraping the bowl often. Don’t this step because that will curdle things. You can let the mixture rest for 1 hour at room temperature to let any egginess mellow. While you wait, taste the brandy or rye to make sure it is still good.
6. Very slowly and beating constantly, add the milk, rum, and brandy or rye. Cover and refrigerate at least 3-4 hours.
7. Whip the cream to soft peaks and fold it into the base mixture. Return to the fridge until you are almost ready to serve!
8. Beat the egg whites with the salt until the stiff peak peak stage and carefully fold into the mixture. If you wanted to make a virgin eggnog and add the alcohol later, now is the time to separate the virgin from the adult version; add the alcohol to the adult version before folding in the egg whites but simply fold in the whites mixture to the virgin version.
9. Serve. Garnish with nutmeg. Be responsible and call an Uber or a friend.
Originally published 8 December 2020
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