Waiting

I’m not the best with waiting. I was the child that wanted to peek at the gifts before Christmas and the one who hated to have to wait for report cards to be issued. I’ve always been more of a “right now” kind of a girl.

I want to get this pirouette right right now and I’m going to angrily do this a hundred times until I get it.

I want to solve this problem right now, no I don’t care if waiting might help. Let’s deal with it now!

I want to have this conversation or argument right now.

I want to go… right now.

I want what I want NOW.

I don’t want to wait until next week for surgery, let’s do it right now.

I don’t want to wait for my foot to get worse again, let’s just cut it off now.

I DON’T want to wait to be all healed before I start the next step.

I don’t like waiting.

Waiting and I are like oil and water: it takes a severe beating to force us to mix only to eventually separate again and it’s just not pleasant for me because then I need another beating. This is why waiting for my stump to heal and for my next big journey in life is so difficult for me. I don’t like waiting. It’s hard to sit with my emotions facing the unknown with no clear end in sight.

I don’t want to stand on the precipice waiting, I want to jump.

My chute will open or not, but at least I’ll have taken that leap.

I’d much rather leave this chapter and start a new one than wade through the pages of fluff. Many times I’ve wanted to know the end of the story, despised the writer’s style, and skipped to the end to find out (sometimes going back to read the other bits and sometimes not).

Do you remember the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indy steps off a cliff into certain death in an attempt to get to the Holy Grail? “‘The Path of God’ – Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.” He is certain there is no path but it’s only an illusion, a ruse designed to test the faith of the one clever enough to make it that far. Only having the faith to take that step allowed Indy find the path and understand it was there all along.

I’m ready to take that step into the unknown.

Alas, I have no choice but to wait. Wait patiently on God. Wait patiently on healing. Wait patiently on a job and a livelihood. Wait patiently for the path to unfold before me.

I’ve done this before, this waiting. When I quit my first teaching job and applied for DODEA, I knew it was where I was meant to be. I waited until there was no waiting left, no pride, no choice but to call it a day and run back to mom and dad…

And it was in that very final moment of waiting, when there was nothing left, that the door opened. It was amazing but not only because my life was changed for the better materially. It was amazing because I was changed by the waiting, by living in faith, and by having hope. I learned I was stronger and braver than I realized. I learned that I don’t fit neatly inside a box. I learned that I can start my life over if I need to.

I have a feeling this waiting is going to be very much the same.

So I will sit here and wait.

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Originally published 21 October 2017